CLUSTERFUCK OF A FAN FIC
by thatshadyfucker
Summary: In which I make a horrible one-shot fan fic of Blue Exorcists for you peeps to laugh at. ON PURPOSE. Which is for the record much harder than making one on accident. Dedicated to a few of my friends who thought it'd be funny if I did this for them. Excuse the cursing. OOCness guaranteed.


**YO BITCHES: BITCH HATERS GONNA HATE SO TROLOL :P**

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Two twins came up in blue flames and licked their lips, all ready to fight the half-demon, Rin Okumura!

The girl twin had two long, long black pigtails that sat like two towers representing the monument of the girl's retardedness in their crooked facade, and wore a long black cloak that split apart to reveal a cute black bikini top and many badass scars probably earned in her frequent bouts of stupidity. She also wore a cute black choker that matched of course did I mention it matched, 'cause it so did, yeah, totes. And she also wore matching mismatched black boots, one being longer and all than the other. People often referred to her as "Black Rock Shooter." And by people, I mean of course demons. No people are down in Hell being tortured, no, 'tis one big FUCKING TEA PARTY, OKAY? Got it. Good.

The girl twin who is a twin had no idea who this "black shooter" was, but they sounded like someone who "shoots" up drugs like that black stuff the humans called "tar," or some shit. In which case, she admired the idiocy of doing such things as shooting up tar and therefore admired this black shooter who dressed EXACTLY like her. That mentally handicapped narcotic ought to look up to an equally retarded demon.

Do you follow? Good, I didn't give a hog's ass anyways.

This girl's name HAPPENED (no I didn't give her this name; as I stated before, it HAPPENED to be this) to be Jill Opal.

The boy twin's outfit was basically the same, only he wore black pants and no bikini top. He was afraid that if he wore one, people (demons of course, hooligans) would maybe think he was "heterosexual," which when translated to human tongue, was "GAY." Plus, he didn't think he could quite pull off that racy strip of cloth as fabulously as his sister. But really, I as the author agree. Boys are not as fabulous as girls. Who gives a shit what boys wear? I don't I'm a feminist. BUT NOT REALLY. I slacked off on the long-ass description of the boy's clothes because 1) I was lazy, 2) I wanted this paragraph to be about ME and how hard it is to write the perfect fan fiction for you little shits out there, 3) and I figured I supplied an over-adequate amount of clothing description for Jill in the previous of the previous paragraph and compensated for the lack of it in this one, and I also didn't want to push my luck. I'm all for getting shot I GUESS ( suicidal bitch) but NOT NECESSARILY WILLING to be MUTILATED. (Who am I kidding. Do it for the suicidal masochistic bitchy author_ess_, because I'm a girl yo.) And I _could _(and will) say IRONICALLY (but not really) this paragraph is longer than the previous of the previous one. And after all that trouble explaining, too. LONG-ASS SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.

RAAAAAAAAAAAANTIIIIIIIIIIIII ING YAAAAAY :DDDDDDD

Oh yeah, before I forget, this kid's name is Jack Onyx.

"Hey girl Jill who is my TWIN sister," Jack said ironically (but not really), "you look like BLACK ROCK SHOOOOOOOOTEEEEEER (andalsoyou'reabitch)."

"I'm retarded," Jill said back to Jack who was her TWIN brother.

"I KNOOOOOOW. I mean you've got the same fucking outfit and cock-eyed pigtails that look like you did while you were high on that human drug 'TAR' or some shit. And blue flames and shit. Shit. And you're a bitch."

" Fuck you man. I'm so original. This wench on drugs better answer to me as her supreme role-model/fucking GOD. By the way, your tourettes are acting up again. You keep saying SHIT! And also I'm retarded, but not a bitch. Get that straight. But that's all beside the point. Let us introduce the plot point already and get this over with."

"Oh you mean our plan to kidnap our revealed supposed half-brother Rin's girlfriend but not really girlfriend who we decide is an ugly hag named Shiemi? And draw him out?" Jack said, now bored.

"YESH. Precisely, brother."

"Oh YEAH, I'll definitely fall for that trap especially since I think Shiemi is a dumb bitch, and I'm secretly in love with my twin brother (GAYTWINCESTSHIPFTW). And because I'm a moron. Yeah definitely," said a voice from the trees. And down jumped Rin from the aforementioned trees.

"OHMYGOSH IT'S HIM! IT'S SATAN'S SON!" fangasmed Jack. "Oh wait, THAT'S ME, never mind. You're a dumb shit."

"I'm dumb? Wow. Wow. Just wow. I'll fight you idiots, so spare me the delight of kidnapping the stupid blonde (because I SO HATE HER even though I've been subtly proclaimed to be IN LOVE with her by the person who CREATED me [allrightsreservedtoKazueKato fuckyeah])."

"No, I still think we're gonna kidnap her. If nothing else, we can entertain ourselves with her once we're done OWNING YOU! Illegitimate son of Satan!" proclaimed haughty Jill.

"In case you haven't noticed stupid half-sibling, we…are…your other brother and sister…"said Jack, attempting for the mysterious vibe.

"No you're not!" Rin yelled. "You look nothing like me with your stupid black hair and dumb dark blue eyes…oh…"

"…Are you some type of a dumbass…?"

"Wow, you're almost as retarded as me! I guess we do share the same gene pool!" Jill sang. "Oh, by the way I just stole Shiemi when you supposedly weren't looking. She's tied to that post over there like some sort of damsel-in-distress sex symbol. There you go. There's your fucking fanservice."

"What the fuck?" Rin went cross-eyed at the prospect of this stupidity and the shear BOSS attitude that the twins threw at him. God, they were way cooler than him! So much more awesome and stronger EVEN THOUGH they hadn't fought yet. Such was the way of OVERRATED OC's ( implicit mention of Mary Sue and Marty Stu).

But at the same time it pissed him off. So what could he do other than settle his wrathful disputes at such blatant PWNAGE by beating the shit out of everything with his sword. His blue sword. (No, not the one in his pants. That one only turns blue when he wants it to. The other one is always blue.)

OMGGGGGGGGG IT'S BATTLE TIIIIIIIIIIME!

"IGNITE KURIKARA/BLUESWORDTHING/KOMAKEN!" Rin shouted as he was covered in his blue flames.

"Um, you don't have to shout anything when you power up…it just sort of happens," Jack supplied, puzzled.

"I KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" Rin said as he lunged at them. "Eat my sword!"

Jack and Jill brushed him aside like the nothing he was. Full demons are more powerful.

"Full demons are more powerful," Jack said.

"And he's not 'heterosexual,' which in your disgusting human language means 'GAY.' But I'll take some of that sword there, hottie." Jill winked at him.

"Ew. I think I just lost the ability to have children just by looking at your UGLY HAG BITCH FACE," Rin said, retreating.

"Well that's an awfully mean thing to say to me. You just met me," Jill said.

She launched forward and caught him off guard by slashing a huge cut into his chest. "TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!" she sang sweetly.

A blood fountain erupted out of the laceration that probably would've killed anyone less superior to Rin.

"You tried to kill me, you crazy bitch!" Rin exclaimed as he clutched at the gaping wound.

"Well duh. Jeez, you're even more retarded than me! We're ENEMIES. And I'm not a bitch. You are Rin. You are a bitch. A little crying bitch. Now go cry for your mama for me! Because your tears of hoplessness are delicious and I find sadistic joy in them." Jill pulled an axe out of her ass and wielded it along with her twin brother and his axe.

"We use these in _honor _of the honorary twin blades," explained Jack. "You see, we don't have to go waving around symbolically long katana swords to draw attention away from the lacking length of the sword in our pants."

"Um, I'm not a guy, and therefore have no dick," Jill added in rather helpfully.

Jack looked at her, wide-eyed. "YES, YOU ARE."

"But I'm not."

"WHAT? BLASPHEMY! All this time I thought you were a guy…?!"

"Well duh. I assumed you knew, what with my skimpy outfit and all. Maybe I'm not really the retarded one."

"But I thought you were just an amazing cross-dresser."

"Wow really? Thanks."

"AH HELL NO!" Rin screamed fucking bloody murder. "YOU DID NOT JUST CALL MY MALEPARTS INTO QUESTION!"

"But I just did. Remember? I said your dick was nonexistent," Jack said, confused that Rin wasn't seemingly able to recall such implicitness. Their supposed half-demon half-brother was really a moron.

"THAT'S IT!" And Rin exploded in a furious rage that led to him losing control of his damned blue fucking Hell fire. (Descriptive as fuck purple prose right there for you ftw you're fucking welcome.)

"Wow, quite the temper our little brother has," Jack observed, glancing at his sister for agreement. But for some strange reason she seemed dumbstruck. But that wasn't totally out of the ordinary since she was retarded, so he shrugged and launched himself forward to attack.

"TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!" Jack screamed elegantly in Rin's face.

Rin retaliated and PWNED that bitch like a motherfucker, slapping him like the pussy he was and launching Jack into a crater in the ground.

"What are you, demons or trolls? Pick one!" Rin cackled, seemingly possessed.

By this point, Jill was almost fangasming at how hot she thought Rin was being.

Jack emerged shakily from the crater and glared pointedly at his sister Jill. "Are you going to help me out or stand there like a dumbshit?!"

"OMG his muscles are so FAB and his eyes are so sparkly and shit…!" the fangirl ranted aloud.

Jack gave her a WTF face. "Jill…?" He questioned her sanity.

"I'm going to join Rin because he's just so hot and shit. See you later bro." And she took off and magically flew in the air next to Rin, who had somehow chilled the fuck out enough to simmer down and question just WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON.

"I'm on your side now," she told Rin.

And just like that, Rin shrugged and accepted her because he figured WHAT THE FUCK, MIGHT AS WELL.

And then they made out while contradictorily shouting out "ULTRASPECIAL AWESOMESAUCESOCKSBOSS COMBO MOVE EVEN THOUGH WE JUST MET COMBO MOVE!" And rainbow-colored fire spat out of their beings and weapons and hit Jack like a shit-ton of bricks.

However, the puny attack was not nearly enough to wipe him out.

And so Jack stared on, now in the role as the dumbstruck one. See the irony (but not really)?

And when Rin and Jill broke apart, they found they were madly in love and swore to live together forever! How cute!

LOL ONE SEC.

In a fury, Jack unleashed his full power and flew at them, shouting "BITCHES BE HAAAAAATIN' RAAAAAAAWR! TROLOLOLOL!" And he sliced off Rin's arm and head in one fell swoop.

Jack landed on the ground prettily and Jill landed a moment later beside him.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, JACK?! HOW DARE YOU MARR RIN'S ROCKIN' BOD?!" Jill screeched.

"You're a bitch."

"Damn right I am," she said.

And they slammed into each other in a glorified moment of TWINCEST (homosexual twincest, which in our mundane human English language translates to "STRAIGHT UP NASTY"). Pretty much they made out in a kissing frenzy.

After a breath of much-needed air, they gazed at their surroundings, taking in the mutilated body of their half-demon half-brother, now respectfully deceased and beheaded, Rin Okumura. They felt a sort of pity for him, for he was of their blood and carried the same sort of ridicule throughout their lives as demons, or part-demon in their beloved brother's case.

BUT NOT REALLY. THEY DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM FO SHO.

They noticed an annoying sobbing screechy sound coming from tied up Shiemi, and so to silence her and because she was a useless human bitch and ugly hag, they burned her alive and listened in ecstasy to her screams like the two sadists in love that they were. HEY. HATERS GONNA HATE.

And so they went back to Hell to live out the rest of their gleeful immortal retarded wretched lives as twin demons in love. Which was perfectly acceptable and even encouraged because COME ON. IT'S HELL. THEIR MOTTO IS "WHAT THE HELL." SO THERE YOU GO.

And then all of sudden, Yukio showed up on the scene, lamenting his brother's death over his decapitated and simultaneously mutilated body. "OH GOD WHY?" Yukio lamented. "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE! TAKE ME! TAKE MEEEE!"

Alongside his lamenting were Amaimon's screams, who had witnessed the fight and watched his PRECIOUS Shiemi be burned to a crisp.

Both males were weeping over their soul mates, reveling in their remorse, when all of a sudden, a beautiful and glorious angel of Heaven came down from above in the sky in a bright blinding light which was a halo of holiness and Light and wonderful memories that surrounded her in her holiness and she looked upon them with sorrow in her graceful eyes and wept with them to Yukio and the Earth King's great astonishment and said sorrowfully, "I feel your pain and pity and since you are important characters in this major plot point, I will grant you a wish that can bring back your lovers from the dead," and she waved her pale and pretty hands about in a grand gesture to mean that she had cast the wishes upon them to grant.

RUN-ON WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

And they thoroughly thanked the great and awesome angel as she waved good-bye and flew away, PRESUMABLY back up to Heaven. And even though Amaimon was a DEMON and therefore a SWORN ENEMY OF ANYTHING RELATING TO HEAVEN OR HOLY, he didn't supposedly care because his love was restored to him.

And he and Shiemi passionately made out and Amaimon dragged her down to Hell with him as his DEMON BRIDE FUCK YEAH.

And of course Yukio and Rin had their own make-out session. And Rin's head was restored to his head afterwards. THAT'S RIGHT. YUKIO MADE OUT WITH RIN'S HEAD UNATTACHED TO RIN'S BODY. GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT?

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

THE END.

Or so you thought.

Haha, see what I just did there?

But secretly, Satan was somewhere lamenting over his lacking part in all of this. I mean, gosh, he's the father of the majority of these children. So of course he was going WTF?

"I feel like my son Rin's death has changed me for the better! I wanted to bring him back to life and of course Amaimon's little lover too because like I said, I'm changed! I don't want to be bad anymore! I want to save everyone!" he wept. "AT THE COST OF THEIR SOULS OF COURSE.

"AH JUST FUCKING KIDDING! LIKE I WOULD DO THAT. SCREW THEM. FUCKING ANGELS, RUINING MY FUCKING MIRTH AT THIS TURN IN EVENTS AND SHIT. I WAS GONNA GO UP THERE AND TRICK THEM ALL INTO BECOMING SOLDIERS ON THE SIDE OF THE DAMNED AND TAKING THEIR SOULS FOR MYSELF. DAMN THOSE ANGELS. DAMN THEM!"

And so there you go. THE END of a fucked up story.

**Author's note: **_**Ao no Exorcist/Blue Exorcist—Kazue Kato**_

**Yep. Just what I do. I don't care if you thought it wasn't that funny. I had fun writing this. So go FUCK YOURSELVES. But then again, have a nice day. ****ALL CAPS BABYYYYYYYYYYY! Also, the retarded bit is only offensive if you make it offensive. It's not a real depiction of what I think of mentally handicapped people. So there. There you go. **

**NO FLAMES OR HATE. I EAT THOSE PEOPLE FOR BREAKFAST. (****I EAT UR SOULS. ALL OF YOUUUUUUUUU!)**

**rawr. **


End file.
